


Like Fire and Ice

by dorktier



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Eventual Romance, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, davekat - Freeform, dumb bros hidin feelings n shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-27
Updated: 2014-10-31
Packaged: 2018-02-22 20:33:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2520878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dorktier/pseuds/dorktier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Karkat Vantas and you have to pinch yourself to make sure Dave actually did just ask you to be his fake boyfriend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Not for realsies

You had known Dave since he was barely old enough to actually string together more than a sentence. You've done a lot for that douchebag over those years you'll admit and you knows that Dave's done a lot back surprisingly enough.

In fact you remembers the time Dave took you to see a romcom marathon that was happening at the local cinema and you knew that Dave fucking hated that genre, but no one else was willing to sit through hours of sappy romance and you shamelessly crying because oh god Adam Sandler fell in love with a girl who would forget about him every day and yet never fucking gave up. 

Hell, you recalls when you bought Strider a pair of actual normal fucking glasses when he somehow broke the shitty pointy anime shades he used to don when he was just a kid although you're not sure if Bro ever forgave you for that because Dave never wore another pair of anime shades again thank fuck. 

But that's not the point, the point is you'd probably jump in front a bullet for each other, you knows Dave would find some way to come back from the dead and make shitty obscure jokes of how much of a fucking heroic hot piece of ass he is though.

Except that you'd rather jump in front of a bullet than do what Dave just asked.

"You want me to pretend to be your fucking boyfriend? Why in the ever loving fuck would you want me to do that?" you almost yelled as you continued pacing in front of the sofa that Dave had gotten himself comfortable on.

Dave sighed, clearly getting slightly annoyed "Shit man, I already told you. Rose and Bro are comin' over in a week and they kinda maybe slightly think I'm dating someone." 

"And why the fuck would you tell them such a blatant lie you idiot?" you were about to pull your hair out due to frustration,

"Because Rose wouldn't get off my back about refusing to be in a relationship, I can't exactly be like 'Oh hey sis, yeah sorry it was a huge lie because I'm a weak-ass who couldn't handle your complaining about _my_ private life' can I?"

You give him a dead panned look "Yes, you can." you replied bluntly.

Dave rolled his head back and let out a loud and clearly exasperated groan to which you grimaced. Why did Dave come to him of all people? He could understand why he wouldn't ask his roommate, John, since he was practically the walking definition of 'no homo' but surely Dave had other idiotic friends to beg.

"Please, it wouldn't be an actual relationship like not for realsies man." Dave was literally on his knees now although if someone asked him about that he'd find a way to make it seem ironic,

"Ugh, god fine at least it'll be fucking entertaining and I'm gonna eat all of your goddamn food." you hissed and the Strider boy practically jumped straight up and pulled you into a hug.

"Thanks bro, I owe you. I was gonna go to Eridan if you said no, you know how desperate he is for a relationship even if it would be fake." he muttered as he let go "You should come down to my apartment so we can plan this shit out, y'know." and you nodded in defeat but not before Dave made you grab some random clothing scattered around the ever messy apartment to dump somewhere in Dave's.

-

"Hey Karkat!" John waved and came over to give you a hug much to your dislike,

"Hey Egbert." you mumbled in reply as you tried to get out of the way too cheery embrace.

After John retreated back into his room you shoved the assortment of clothes into Dave's room and was reassured that you would get them all back soon. Dave then dragged you over to the couch along with a bag of chips that Dave unashamedly chewed on as loud as he possible could, you was already regretting this stupid plan. Apparently Lalonde and Bro were here for two weeks and you had about a week to make this apartment look like his second home even though you barely came down here except to hoard all the food and watch shitty movies with John. You were going to have to get used to sleeping in Dave's bed and in response to hearing that nearly backed out, like you wanted to sleep in the same room let alone the same fucking bed as Strider but after all it was just two weeks. 

"Wait, I should give you some of my clothes and shit to wear, Rose would be all over that." Dave looked so proud of that idiotic idea that had somehow made his way from his shitty think pan and out through his giant fucking mouth, he leaped off the couch and headed for his room. He soon returned holding an armful of various shirts and sweaters, you rested his head and your hand and sighed.

"Is that really fucking necessary? You're like 5 sizes bigger than me you fuckass." you growled and Dave simply dumped the clothes onto you in response, that only served to piss you off even more. "God, you're such a fucking asshole! How do you even have friends you incessant bulgelicker!" you yelled while trying to get the shirts off.

"You're my friend." Dave stated with a hint of a smirk to his otherwise poker face, jesus christ you found that kid to be the most irritating piece of shit in the world.

You rolled your eyes and stood up "Can we just talk about this tomorrow? It's late and unlike _some_ douchebags I actually have a class tomorrow morning." Dave nodded and kept his mouth shut because as hilarious as it was to annoy Karkat he needed him on his good side for this plan.

You somehow managed to stuff the shirts into a backpack before grabbing some food from the kitchen and walking out the door without a goodbye, Dave flopped onto the sofa face first. This was gonna be the hardest shit he'd ever tried to pull off.

-

You groaned as the first few rays of light made their way through the blinds, you tried to grab a nearby pillow and plop it onto your face to block out the sun but suddenly the phone started ringing and 'Hollaback Girl' started sounding throughout the apartment. Dave must have changed the fucking alarm again, you hissed as you turned off the alarm and chucked it away from the proximity of the bed.

You knew you had to get up in a minute and start getting ready for class, you eventually rolled out of bed and while on the floor considered taking a nap but soon forced yourself up and dragged your half asleep body to the bathroom. You looked at the reflection, hair as messy as ever with clumps sticking up in the seemingly most impossible angles and eyes were underlined with heavy dark bags. Pretty much the usual, no wonder people thought you was a slob since you always looked like you'd just literally rolled out of bed and walked straight out the door.

After turning the the shower on, you slowly and groggily took your clothes off and stepped in. Letting the hot water soak your hair and sighed in relief as the water ran down your face, waking you up and warming your muscles. 

You couldn't believe you were doing this for Dave, who the fuck agrees to fake dating their friend because they're too weak to tell their sibling to piss off? At least Dave and John's apartment had plenty of food and video games. You wondered how far you could push Dave with this fake dating thing and for the first time since you had been told about the plan yesterday you suddenly realised that you'd probably have to 'get your mack on' with Strider. You nearly yelled in frustration right there in the shower but instead hissed and grabbed your hair in anger, you could feel your cheeks starting to burn up at the thought. You really didn't think this through, dammit.

After the shower, in which you spent 10 minutes groaning and occasionally hitting your head on the tiled wall, you gathered up the things you would need for class and grabbed a slice of toast before heading towards the front door. Maybe if you caught the early train you coul- what the _FUCK_. 

"Hello Karkat." Rose greeted as you opened the door before you proceeded to freak the fuck out and fall over in shock all while Lalonde watched on in bemusement. 


	2. Improv

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bro and Rose come early as a surprise. Karkat considers moving to the middle of butt fuck nowhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u guys for the kudos ily

Rose was still staring at you, a small smirk appearing on her raven lips, she held her hand out and you reluctantly grabbed it. This was insanely confusing; first of all she wasn't due here for another week and secondly what was she doing at his apartment at 8 in the fucking morning? You couldn't help but scowl as you picked up the notebook and backpack from the floor,

"Nice to see you too." Rose told you as a small chuckle escaped from her mouth. She didn't wait for you to reply, "So..." her grin was growing wider by the millisecond "I hear you've started dating a particular Strider."

Ignoring the comment you questioned 'What are you doing here a whole fucking week early?" and she simply shrugged,

"Bro wanted to surprise his baby brother." Rose said before Bro himself jumped out from behind the door frame. You were seriously not in the mood for this at _all_.

"Oh my fucking god." was all you could manage before the douchier version of Dave actually tried to ruffle your hair before you slapped the gloved hand away and Bro feigned a hurt expression.

As annoying as this was it was kind of shocking seeing Bro for the first time, all you had really heard about him was Dave's almost bordering idoling of him and John's retorts of how weird and lame the older Strider was. It was pretty strange that in all your years of knowing Dave you'd never met the infamous 'Bro' but then again you had never really cared about things like that especially since you was certain that it would be like Dave x2.

You couldn't tell if Bro was looking at him with his ridiculously stupid pointy shades obscuring his eyes but you unapologetically stared at the man both in confusion as to how this weirdo raised a baby and in an attempt to show that you, Karkat Vantas, wouldn't be intimidated by a burly man in anime glasses and a popped collar. Rose looked deeply amused.

"This is the tiny grump that's fucking our little Dave?" Bro broke the silence as he looked at Rose in confusion, you also found these two and their strange friendship unsettling. 

You could feel your face heating up "We're not doing anything like that you shit stain of a pervert." you hissed loudly,

"Not yet!" that sounded like Dave's voice from the end of the hallway. Holy shit wasn't this day just getting better and better. 

Dave and his stupid shit eating grin appeared behind Rose and Bro "Aw, look at you wearin' my clothes. Fuckin' adorable." Looking down you realised that you were indeed wearing one of Dave's dumb hoodies. You must have accidentally mistaken the pile of Dave's clothing as your own, you goaned inwardly.

"What a nice fucking reunion this has been but I have a class to go to so please stop crowding this doorway and let me go get hit by a car." you growled and shoved through the humans and stamped off down the hall.

"Is he always that bitchy?" You could hear Bro ask from behind.

\--

You nearly felt bad for the early arrival of Bro and Rose and what a shock it had been to Karkat but the key word was _nearly_ , you couldn't help but find his reaction to be the greatest thing since you had convinced John to put kool aid in Karkat's shower head last year.

John wasn't so surprised when he had been alerted of the fact that you and Karkat were dating, you were mildly offended that John also added that he had kind of been expecting it but swallowed your tongue anyway. John was a shitty liar despite his constant pranks and he was bound to accidentally reveal that you and Karkat still firmly hated each other to Rose. You thought about how Karkat had been wearing your favourite hoodie and frowned slightly, he didn't even know they were coming early but you did slightly mean it when you had said it was adorable. The gigantic hoodie made Kakat look like a tiny angry child and you just kinda wanted to pat his hair and make fun of him. 

You grabbed your phone and pulled up Karkat's number.

'hey man when are you gonna be back, everyone here wants to have some family dinner thing and obviously you need to come'

It was concerning since no one here except John knew how to cook but even then he only really knew his way around desserts, you hoped that you'd all just get thai take out and call it a family dinner. Karkat responded after a couple of minutes.

'UGH YEAH SURE. I'LL BE AT YOURS TO PARTAKE IN THE SHITTY HUMAN FESTIVITIES OF THIS FAMILY REUNION AFTER I FINISH TALKING TO KANAYA. ALTHOUGH I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU WOULD FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN ACTUALLY FUCKING COOK.'

'ALSO. FUCK YOU. THIS HOODIE SMELLS LIKE APPLE JUICE I DIDNT EVEN KNOW THAT WAS POSSIBLE. YOU ARE THE MOST PATHETIC EXCUSE OF HUMAN BEING IVE EVER SEEN.'

You had pretty much grown use to Karkat's attempts at insulting you and didn't really take notice of them.

'love you too babe x0x0'

Bro came striding into the room shortly after you had discarded your phone, you held your fist out and he bumped it with his own.

He cut through the silence first "Has John always been that good looking?" you nearly choked on the water you had taken a sip of,

"Are you telling me you don't know what puberty is, must be time for the 'talk' then son." you retort trying to keep your cool. 

Bro shift his weight on the couch "Nah man seriously, you did good in choosing your housemate I might be over more often." he fucking waggles his eyebrows to further piss you off. 

"He has a girlfriend." is all you say and it seems you get the one up on him because Bro shakes his head disappointedly,

"I lied, what a shitty housemate you've got Dave." and he stood up and left but not before muttering something about John's sexuality and you cannot believe you just had that conversation. John didn't even have a girlfriend but you feel like the universe would implode in on itself if anything happened between John and Bro. You lied for the sake of the universe, you're a fucking hero and after that thought you continue to send Karkat annoying messages.

Within 20 minutes of Karkat refusing to respond to your texts, the front door opens and none other than the grumpy little troll himself enters. He looks slightly surprised when he notices his old cancer sweater sprawled out on one of kitchen chairs but shrugs before going digging through your pantry. You don't even think he's seen you yet as he subconsciously tugs the sleeves of your hoodie down occasionally and grabs a half eaten packet of marshmallows, he looks like he's bopping his head to a tune in his head and you wonder if this is how he acts when he thinks he's alone.

"Hey Vantass." you call out and he looks like a startled cat when he hears you and spins around, his cheeks chubby with marshmallows. 

He doesn't say anything and simply flips you off before grabbing another handful of marshmallows and his laptop and situates himself next to you on the sofa.

"Fpphuck you." he manages to get out as he struggles talking with a mouthful of squishy sugary treats and just as he says this John walks in. 

"Dave, do you ha- oh, hey Karkat! Are you okay?" John is looking at Karkat, his question forgotten as he worriedly watches him struggle to get the marshmallows down with his face bright red. 

You struggle to contain a snort of laughter, Karkat eventually does swallow them and seemed to have learnt his lesson as he cautiously eats them one at a time.

"O-Okay, hey Dave did you guys sort out what's for dinner yet? Who's cooking?" John redirects his attention back to you, you shrug.

"Can anyone in this shit infested hole cook, John?" Karkat mutters although its clearly a rhetorical question even though John doesn't realise,

"I can! Although it's mostly just desserts and baked stuff." John muses and Karkat rolls his eyes so hard you catch a glimpse of nothing but yellow as his pupils disappear.

At this point Karkat has gotten out his laptop and is working on what seems like a research essay, while John is left to stand there dumbfoundedly you stretch your arm and reach it around Karkat feeling him tense up slightly as you do so. You chuckle to yourself thinking that you've successfully freaked him out but he ducks out of your arm's reach.

"You smell like crap Strider, don't let your armpit near me." he tells you and John giggles like the fucking dweeb he is,

"You guys are just like some old married couple! That's so cute!" and you're lucky that your shades are hiding the shock in your eyes.

Karkat however doesn't even flinch and simply nods "Fuck off John." he says in his usual rude manner and goddamn maybe Karkat would do better than you thought. You guys might just get away with this. "Anyway what's for dinner, can we just have some thai and call it a night." he mumbles and _goddamn yes._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can u imagine karkat, jus a little troll in an oversized hero of time hoodie and chubby cheeks bc of marshmallows while flipping dave off someone kill me i love karkat vantas so much

**Author's Note:**

> im so lazy when it comes to writing but hopefully i stick with this oops but im really happy with the plot but i havent written for ages hhn  
> but u should totally leave any feedback u have it would be much appreciated since im a lil rusty with this !!


End file.
